November 17th

Cha-Ching! JACKPOT MOTHERFUCKER! I went to the hampshire mall and picked up a wealth of goods. Media Play (which is probobly going out of business) has all these 50% off bargain bins placed strategically around the store. I pretty much picked over the video game bin though, with the help of some black employee who I pretended I remembered, but had no real idea who the hell he was. I hate when that happens. Everyone freaking knows me and I have no idea who anyone is. I spend the whole school year not knowing the names of like any of my classmates. But anyway, I got Phantasy Star Collection and Street Fighter Alpha 3 for $15 apiece (all the title screens say Street Fighter Alpha 3^ which makes no sense, crazy japs) along with strategy guides for Virtua Fighter 4 and Super Mario Sunshine for $3 apiece. They also had Ikaruga and Sly Cooper for $15 if anyone wants em, but they didn't have anything else great. Phantasy Star Collection is mad fun, you get PS 1, 2, and 3 in one cart. I'm stuck in PS1 though, I have to like find some talking beast who can help me free some dude from stone. Yeah, that would be more fun if it wasn't for the god damn save glitch. Street Fighter looks real pretty, but it just feels wrong playing a six button fighter on a four button GBA. Damn Nintendo, can't you do anything right? KB Toys is also having a major clearance sale, so I got Resident Evil 0 for $20, not too shabby. I like Resident Evil, but I know I'll never beat any of them, I always manage to run out of bullets or something. I remember my friend was getting totally psyched for REmake and I was like "Why?" So you can run around with awkward control, run out of bullets, and then Capcom can port it to every single system ever made? I think my toaster runs Resident Evil 2.

In the meantime, LOOK WHAT I FOUND! MY SAFECRACKER TOKENS! Now let me step back a second. Safecracker is possibly the best pinball machine in the history of man, it's like an unholy pinball/board game hybrid. Now, you win by bypassing all the traps and shit and making it to the center of the board. When this happens you hear a massive cracking sound and the machine fires out a heavy golden token faster than the speed of light straight at your midsection. They used to have this thing at Interskate 91, man it was fun. The first time I won I heard the crack and thought I had broken the machine or something. More video games need to give you things when you win. And I don't mean those god damn prize tickets, you should get like a T-Shirt saying "I BEAT THE PANTS OFF INFERNO IN SOUL CALIBUR." Anyway, the tokens are probobly the coolest small circular objects I own... except for the Power Ranger pogs David Lawall gave me. Thanks David.

You know what I hate? Spam e-mail. Because none of it makes any god-damn sense. Like what the hell is cock karate? Maybe the Waxer Violinists can help me out with my Giants Abrasions. You know what, if anyone knows where I can get cock karate lessons, hook me up.

A few days ago, this black dude had the best Victory Lap in the history of Maury. Oh, the Victory Lap? That's what John Carey has dubbed the victory celebration when the guy finds out he isn't the father. We chant "Victory Lap! Victory Lap!" as the dude runs around the stage pumping his fist. Anyway, when the guy finds out he isn't the father, he jumps up out of his chair and runs into the audience, exchanging hi fives with everyone in sight. It was so great to see the girl crying as he runs around the studio whooping it up. Later they showed Maury backstage comforting the girl, telling her it'll be alright, then he turns and says "You know, you could be more supportive," and they cut to the guy and he's doing the happy dance from here to Sunday. And oh what a dance it was. I really doubt anyone can top that Victory Lap, it was a sight to behold.

Also on TV, MTV has this new show room raiders, where one guy gets to check out the rooms of three girls and pick one of them for a date based on their room. Well, I knew it was going to be a good show, when one of the girls was this batshit crazy anime goth freak named Lauren, who wouldn't shut up about her cosplay fetish. For the un-educated, cosplay is when you make rediculous looking costumes based on anime/video game characters, and wear them to anime conventions or something. Basically, it's dress up for nerds. They had a little part of her dressed as Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth. Yeah, that was creepy. At least it wasn't Japanese cosplay porn, but it was close. So anyway, the guy Keith is going through her room, and finding all these barbie dolls in creepy-as-fuck electrical tape bondage, a whole mess of god damn crazy cosplay outfits, and the piece de resistance, a god damn hentai porno magazine. Somehow, Keith decides to pick this insane goth freak for a night on the town. Which is good because she makes sure to mention to the camera that she only dates Asian guys. The best part had to be the ending though.

Keith: So what do you like to do for fun?
Lauren: ...I like to cosplay
Keith: (Puzzled) You like to what?

And End. Brilliant MTV, brilliant. Well, this update has run a bit long but I promised I'd post Eddy's rant about Luke Vexler since he gave me a dollar. I'm a dirty sell out. Also, Gunbound is the most addictive game ever created, all of you should be playing it, right now. I know I'm about to. Chris out.