January 20th - The Green Apple Movie

I hate hearing a song or seeing a movie on the international channel or something like that, because I know I'll never see or hear it again. Sure, I can write down the song title or movie name, but half the time it's in kanjuku or whatever. I could describe what the movie is like but of course no one has ever heard of it, and don't even try to describe a Korean music video, because they're all the exact same.

Me - "So um... there's this guy, and he's like, in a gang. And then he meets a girl and he falls in love. So he has to choose between the girl and the gang and..."

Asian Mike - "Chris, you've just described every Korean music video ever made."

Me - "GOD DAMNIT! I HATE THE INTERNATIONAL CHANNEL!"

Now look, part of my reason for starting this site, was so I could identify the one Japanese movie that I have to get a copy of before I die. Now, flash back about 3 years. Me and John Carey were watching the international channel (we used to hang out before our gang war). All of a sudden, these three Japanese students, a guy, a girl, and a fat kid (like me!) are on the screen, performing at their senior talent show or something like that, (I don't know what they call it in Japan, probably "Super High School Magic Fun Time.") Anyway, the kids are playing like a plastic tambourine and some other crazy instruments. Through the magic of bad films, they win, and are given a huge trophy. They run up to the roof to celebrate where the fat kid accidentally tosses the trophy off the roof. A balding Japanese man with a child notices the trophy hurtling towards him and we are treated to the first dose of subtitles that made a lasting impression on me.

"I'll block it with my head!"

The camera cuts back to the kids looking over the edge of the building, and then back to the man, who is now lying in a pool of blood leaking from his head, while the small child watches on.

And it only gets better.

For the next hour and a half, me and John were submitted to the greatest special of our lives. I don't even remember the plot, since the movie is comprised of 3 subplots at once. See, the talent show was a flashback, all the kids are in their 20s now, and though still good friends, they each experience their own tale of love, romance and something else other than love and romance. I can't remember much, but what I do remember still makes me long for the day I will finally see this movie again.

Now, the guy (whom we will call "Steve") wants to get with the girl or something (let's call her "Mary"). But Mary is seeing other people. I remember him racing around Tokyo or wherever trying to either stop a wedding or get to his. I know that Mary was in the wedding, and it made no sense because it was taking place outside at night and it looked fucking cold, especially since she was in a flimsy wedding dress with no sleeves on it. But, at least she was hot. Oh, and why were they having a Christian wedding? I don't understand Japan, anyways, this guy is probably the one I remember the least about.

Now Mary, is having trouble finding a guy. I remember they have a party at her house, where is the first instance of the fruit videos.

Now, the fruit videos deserve their own little blurb. Throughout the entire movie, every time there's a TV on, there's usually just a picture of a piece of fruit with a white background. These are VHS tapes that contain exactly that, nothing but a piece of fruit, sitting there, doing nothing. It seems that these videos are very collectable, and every time they get mentioned someone will say "I still can't find the green apple video," or something like that. Apparently, the green apple video is very rare, and everybody wants one. I think this is one the most brilliant plot devices ever. I mean, if there's ever a lull in dialogue, shit, just bring up the apple video again. But anyway, let's get back to the movie.

Anyway, Mary is constantly going out with terrible, terrible people. In one scene, she's sitting in some guy’s car, when the guy starts crying uncontrollably. She asks what's wrong and he says that he saw all the orphans in Kosovo or something and he just couldn't bare the sadness, could he please rest his head on her breast? You know, that line didn't work on her, but I think I should try that with some of the girls in Amherst, since they're all crazy liberal hippies. Anyways, the girl gets a lump on her breast and is freaking out about it, but some guy makes sure to mention "Don't worry, most guys don't care about lumps." Yeah, that's really comforting asshole. Steve feels her up real good but doesn't find any lumps. Which means it's time to celebrate with a black male stripper dressed as an army sergeant! She and two other girls enjoy his gyrating and other miscellaneous antics. I don't remember the rest of the scene but I think someone bursts into the room and beats the shit out of the black guy. Probably Steve. What a jackass.

The last guy, the fat kid (let's call him "Gearshaft"), is also looking for love. He gets a girls number off a phone booth, and despite Steve's advice calls it. The girl actually answers and tells him to meet her at a bar. He goes to the bar, but after waiting for a few hours’ figures out he got stood up. He goes outside to his car and CRACK! Crowbar to the back of the neck. He wakes up gagged and bound in duct tape. The girl strips him down and out of nowhere starts having sex with him. She removes his gag and they start doing the porno moaning thing. All of a sudden she starts hitting him, yelling "Say my name! Say my name bitch!" Of course, he just woke up in her basement so he just yells "I don't know your name!" She gives him her name (we'll say "Rebecca") so he starts yelling "Rebecca! Rebecca!" She gets tired of this and tells him "Call me Sailor Moon!" So of course, he just starts yelling "Sailor Moon!" in time to the thrusts. Then, right at the point of ejaculation, Gearshaft utters possibly the best line of dialogue ever.

"HELLO KITTY!"

Brilliant, just fucking brilliant. Of course, he becomes involved with this crazy sado-machocist, and they continue having wild kinky sex until she decides to make a lovers pact and for them to kill themselves together. He is reluctant but agrees, so they park the car and let the engine run, filling the car with exhaust. Don't you have to park indoors for that to work? Because I swear the car was just sitting outside. Anyways, Gearshaft starts droning off, so he turns on the radio where he hears Steve and Mary. Somehow they've gotten on the radio, I forget what they say but he decides he doesn't want to die and gets out of the car and runs away (possibly to the wedding, I don't remember). Rebecca however, is still in the car. A cop approaches the car to find out what's wrong so she grabs him and they start making out in the street. What a slut, I think I love her. Anyway, I don't think Gearshaft ever gets the girl, but he does see his High School girlfriend one last time, as she gets on a bus to the airport so she can move to America. He gives her a huge teddy bear and they both kind of smile. I have to admit, for a fucked up Japanese film, this scene was actually kind of touching.

Anyway, that's about all I can remember. I honestly would love to see this film again. There were some other films on the international channel. Like a bunch of female Japanese students all unbutton their blouses slightly and fan themselves with their skirt until the teacher gets a 10 foot erection, or the one where a bunch of teenage kids want to join the mob, so they run down a rival mob boss with kitchen cleavers and kill him in a crowded marketplace. If I ever go to Japan I'll probably return with at least a couple hundred random Japanese movies, so I'll never go hungry for wackiness again.

Anyway, I only bring this up now because I saw this bitchin' flash movie which reminded me of how much I love Japanese culture. Can anyone tell me the story behind these crazy ASCII cats? I just don't get it. Anyway, apparently the flash is a parody of the ending to an anime called "Airmaster," but I don't care about that. All I want is THAT SONG! The song is called "Rolling 1000 Toon," so at least I know the title this time. Unfortunately, I also know that neither Kazaa nor Overnet has a copy of it anywhere. God damn internet. Look, if any of you like me, get me a copy of this song. I'm looking at you Josh Tentenbaum, don't make me call the RIAA on your burnt CD business.

The Real World is on right now and for like the 4th straight season they're arguing over the use of the word nigger. Honestly, I don't care anymore. If black America wants one word to call their own, and to be able to freak the fuck out if any white person dares utter it, then so be it. I just think that people need to lighten up sometimes. If it's used as a racial slur then hell, get pissed off. But you have to admit that a bunch of Asian people to running around yelling "Niggaaaa!" ala Tokyo Breakfast, is remotely humorous. You don't have to be like the guy on The Real World just called his mom to bitch about "some white girl using our word." Weak dude, get over it.

I had a 4 day weekend, which was fun. I spent 4 days getting to the boss in Ninja Gaiden, only to realize "I will never beat this game, ever." It was kind of humbling after having my NES on for 4 straight days, to admit defeat and hit the power button. I also got Cubivore for $20, which was awesome because Cubivore is the best game where you play a block... who eats other blocks. Whatever, any game that revolves around eating the meat flaps of other monsters and constantly mating with multiple female monsters is ok in my book. It's now 11:30 and I haven't done any of my homework. I had something I had to do in Social Studies... like a paragraph or something, I have to give a speech in Oral Communications about music piracy, and I have to do a whole bunch of miscellaneous crap for Programming because Ms. Koch is a bitch. I hate school almost as much as my new fan Eric hates DVD players and those bastard Japanese. He's written a little article why. I hope you'll enjoy it.

In conclusion, download "Dancing in Heaven" by Q-Feel. Best. Song. Ever. Well, next to "Rolling 1000 Toon" anyway.