May 31st - Coffins Gone Wild

These are the people you don't invite to funerals.
I don't even know what to think about the internet anymore...

May 26th - Rabbit

I got some Chinese food today at Peking Garden on Rt. 9 in Hadley, MA, which has possibly the greatest Chinese food on earth. I argued with my English teacher over this. He's a half korean twenty-year old out of California, who works at a Korean church ministry or something like that. Anyway, he goes on and on about this place "Amherst Chinese Food," and talks about how it's "authentic." Fuck authentic, I want some greasy Americanized Chinese food. That's the thing about America, we take everyone's food and make it delicious by adding liberous amounts of salt and grease. It's a beautiful thing.

Anyway, halfway through the meal I started pouring over the Chinese Zodiac they put on the little placemats to keep us stupid westerners entertained. My zodiac sign is the rabbit, possibly the weakest creature in the zodiac. I hate my signs so much. My freaking astrological sign is Libra, the scales. Who the hell wants to be the scales? I'd settle for any animal, even the fish, but no, I'm the scales.

Anyhow, the next year of the rabbit is 2011. I can't help but wonder where I'll be when 2011 rolls around. Best case scienario I'll be in Japan working at Konami or somewhere like that. Maybe I'll make out like Tim Rogers and become a semi-popular game journalist constantly getting kicked out of my Japanese apartment because I have no money. The year of the rabbit will arrive and me and all the great friends I've met in Japan will accompany me to a Karaoke bar and we'll get completely plastered and I'll have wild freaky sex with my secretary. Worst case scienario I'll be living at my parent's house, working at my father's Domino's Pizza restaurant and wondering about what could've been. The year of the rabbit will arrive and I'll go to a bar alone and drink myself to death.

Who knows?

I tore out the little piece of the placemat with the rabbit and promptly lost it but I do remember the rabbit is supposed to be shy. But my fortune cookie told me I was energetic and outgoing. It's weird when your fortune cookie contradicts your zodiac sign. My Zodiac symbol also told me I'm the opposite of the cock. I guess I don't have to worry about turning gay anytime soon.

The funny thing is these placemats have had the same error for the past five years and no one has spotted it but me. See, the listing for rabbit says I should be friends with the goat and the pig. Yet, under the listing for the goat and pig say they should be friends with the cat, not the rabbit. Thing is, there is no Zodiac sign for cat. It really should say that the goat and pig are friends with the rabbit. But it doesn't.

So the rabbit thinks the goat and the pig are his friends, but in actuality they are only friends with the cat. The rabbit just gets strung along, thinking he has friends, when he's really the lonliest zodiac creature of them all.

I'd say that's a metaphor for something but I'm not sure what it is yet.

May 21st - Banana Phone

For a while now, Eddy has been planning what he called "The Sex Show." See, Eddy is a terrible, terrible person who finds humor in disgusting sexual acts, like pedophilia or masturbation. He's been filming all these awful skits titled things like "Pedophile Penetentiary" and has finally compiled them into a show he calls "Spinning on an Awkward Axis." It's playing Friday at 5:00 down at the public access station, and I have to go because of some bizarre loyalty I show to Mr. Pula. Hopefully I won't be too offended. I'd invite people to come, but then it would seem like I forced them into seeing this hideous mess of offensive material. So, I'll just make it known that it's Friday at 5:00, and you can come if you want. Don't get the strange idea that I'm inviting you or anything.

That reminds me, I downloaded these terribly violent horror mangas I should show Eddy. I just have a feeling it's the kind of thing he would like.

Also, this is probably one of the funniest things I've seen in a long while. So is this, but you can't download it there so you'll just have to kind of take my word for it. I'm sure if any of you have internet skills you can find a torrent somewhere.

I guess that's it... MCAS testing this week. It sucks a nut.

May 19th - F.Y.I.

It is in my opinion that The Unicorns are the greatest band in the history of forever.

Josh came up to me in the hallway today and assaulted me for not updating this stupid experiment of a page in like forever. I'd make another excuse like how my stupid relatives read my site for some fucking reason, or how the school blocked like every website in existance so half of you can't even read the shit I write anyhow, or how that stupid letters column of mine takes like two hours to write (Some girl got all offended when I asked my readers to kidnap me a Chun-Li booth babe from E3. People just don't get sarcasm these days).

The stuff I write is complete shit by the way. Nothing I say is remotely important, so when I'm not writing you should actually be thankful.

So anyway, since I haven't updated in forever, today will be an extra long entry where I will try to talk about whatever the fuck happened to me over the last few weeks. I still get like 10 hits a day so someone must be enjoying it. Some of today's entry will be copied from my dorky video game column because it would be pretty stupid to put a piece of writing into different words.

I recently went to the town’s annual book sale sponsored by the local League of Woman Voters. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any books to add to my collection of “Auto-Biographies by People Who Don’t Deserve an Auto-Biography.” So far my collection is fairly small, though it features such highlights as Jeff Foxworthy’s “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem,” wherein he details making out with his cousin. Though my favorite has to be the life story of Jesse “The Body” Ventura, a book with the greatest title in the history of literature. “I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed.” How tough is that? Whereas a normal person would bleed when he perhaps was given a paper cut or some other form of bodily harm, Mr. Ventura just doesn’t have the time.

That’s one tough guy right there.

Anyways, I did manage to find some cool stuff. First was an old copy of “How to Win at Nintendo,” which taught me how to beat such terrible classics as “Urban Champion.” I also got a book on programming in Java because my programming teacher is completely inept and I pretty much need to teach myself. The third treasure I got was a book on Japanese takeovers, which told me more about the acquisition of Firestone tire compant than I ever cared to know. Man, the business world is boring as hell. But best of all, I got this book called “Zen and Japanese Culture.” I tried reading all the deep spiritual lessons, but I mostly just skip around to the different stories about Samurais getting their asses handed to them by tea-makers or carpenters or whatever. It’s some deep stuff.

And for the record, I am finally the number one result on google for Chris Gesualdi. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the greatest achievement of my entire life.

Mega64 is being released on DVD, by Something Awful of all people, and I honestly couldn’t be happier. For those of you who don’t know about the show because you suck, Mega64 is a show revolving around a bunch of different comedy skits about video games. Be it infiltrating a grocery store dressed like Solid Snake, or dressing as Ryo Hazuki from Shenmue and asking the residents of town if they know where to find some sailors. It’s really some brilliant stuff. It’s like how G4 tries to be funny sometimes but just comes off as complete idiots, Mega64 is like the opposite of that.

Ok, G4 made me laugh a total of one time. They were doing some holiday buying guide, starring Wil Wheaton and some other guy. Wil Wheaton announces the next game being covered is Wild Arms 3, and his stupid partner starts wildly flailing his arms around. It was clever.

For the record, why is Wil Wheaton in everything nowadays? I mean, I know he used to be on Star Trek and everyone feels sorry for him but goddamn. I want to watch a cereal commercial without Wil popping up and telling me about his fucking book.

Anyways, I finally beat Metal Gear Solid 2 after putting it off for like two years and it felt real good, even though the ending makes little sense to me. I mean, it’s obvious Hideo Kojima was drawing parallels between us being able to freely exchange digital information over the ending and the plot of the game being about the importance of exchanging digital information. But still, I should be able to watch the ending and not have to take notes. My brain just hurts listening to Ocelot revealing plot twist after plot twist. It's a complete mindfuck I tell you.

On Saturday I took Ivars to this thing at ACTV. I'm still not sure what it was. Apparently this college student guy Chris, made some short films, some funny, some retarded, and wanted to show them to some people. Eddy worked a bit on some of the films with him, so I figured I'd show up and maybe be entertained. Me and Ivars were like twenty minutes late, and when we arrived this buisnessman, some girl and what I assumed was his son were playing some new-wave techno aurora bullshit music. I had no idea what was happening, it was freaking weird. Anyway, after that we watched some of this Chris kid's shit. There were some funny skits, like him at a health club argueing with Jair about ribbed and non-ribbed water bottles. The best one was with him as a teacher and Eddy as the sole student in the classroom, and Chris gets really pissed off at Eddy because he's always writing poetry in the back of the room instead of paying attention. So he decides to give Eddy a lesson in how to write poetry correctly.

Chris - "Ok, now I'm going to write the beginning of a poem on the board, and I want you to add to it. Ok, now... Car is... now fill in the blank with something poetic Eddy, Car is what?"
Eddy - "Car is... War..."
Chris - "Ok, Car is War. This is a literary term I like to call "absolute bullshit." Car isn't war. They don't even use cars in war, they use fucking tanks you idiot."

It was hilarious. But then he had to go and show some asstarded art film to make me lose all respect for him. It was something about markers, and there's these two chicks. One of them holds up a pad of paper and then the other starts scribbling wildly on it. Then they like fall down and start crying. I can't believe people still think that sort of shit is art.

Eddy said "Artist" is a label untalented people use to describe themselves, and how if their work doesn't make any sense they call it "Avant-Garde." I told him he should write a book.

I noticed on the flyer for the show, this Chris character actually refers to his shit as "Avant-Garde." That made me laugh.

So yeah, Ivars was over and we did the sort of shit me and Ivars do. I dragged him off to the mall so he could watch me buy videogames. I have this new thing I do at the mall. There's all these little kiosks trying to rope you into expensive cell-phone plans, so I walk right past them and loudly exclaim to no-one in particular about how much I've been looking for a new wireless plan, and that I wish they sold cell-phones at the mall.

One time one of the guys actually stopped me and my dad and asked if we had cell-phones. I finally got to tell one of those swarmy fucks to their face "I've been looking for a new wireless plan!" Then me and my dad walked away laughing really hard which I'm sure made that guy feel like a dork.

Anyway, Ivars brought over the Tenacious DVDs and they were hilarious. Jack Black is a funny guy, and Kyle is cool too. There's this part in their concert DVD where Jack Black whips out this plastic toy saxaphone he calls the "Saxaboom" and proceeds to freaking jam on it. It was awesome.

I keep getting in trouble in school. I haven't done like any work this past month, I just play Gameboy like every single class. Anyways, my social studies teacher Ms. Mafi caught me and was all angry about it. Like, I don't give a damn about your fucking class, let me play "Advance Wars" in peace. I think she gave me a detention but she hasn't said anything about it. Today I knew I probably wouldn't get away with playing, so I printed out videogame journalist extrordinare Tim Rogers' review of Jak II and read that like twenty times, smiling at his photo with Hideo Kojima and remarking at how much he really does look like a girl. For some reason Ms. Mafi was mad about that too. Dear Ms. Mafi, your classwork is abhorantly boring and your assignments are absolutely asinine.

A few weeks ago I wondered about why I use the term asinine so much. I mean, everyone else does the classwork and doesn't find it asinine? Maybe I just throw the word around too often, maybe I just wasn't focusing hard enough on the material.

Then she gives us our new assignment. Make a "memory box" pretending you're living during the depression and fill it with artifacts that reflect on your life.

What the fuck? When the hell did this turn into art class? I don't want to stain my paper with tea to make it look old, I just want to take a test and be done with it. I still don't understand school. I mean, if I don't care about a subject why do they expect me to try?

First of all, I'm getting a B+ in social studies, which means that even though I have absolutely no interest in U.S. History, I'm still doing the work at a decent level and Ms. Mafi should fucking be content with it. She has no right to get in my face about playing Gameboy if I'm getting a B+ in her class.

When I asked her what my grade was, she showed me the B+ and I got remotely happy. But then she put on a frown and told me it would probably be lower due to my class participation grade.

Fuck that.

What the hell is a class participation grade? If I know the material I see no fucking reason why I should be marked down because I don't have a dumb fucking story to tell about my Grandfather when we talk about WWII. That's all the kids with good class participation grades do. We'll talk about WWII and someone will raise their hand and say "My grandfather was in that war." Good job Jimmy, you get an A for class participation. Chris however gets an F because he doesn't have anything important to say. I mean, who cares how I'm learning? I'm sorry I get absolutely don't give a damn about U.S. History. I hate this country to pieces anyway, I'm thinking about moving to Canada, or Japan even, as soon as I fucking can.

So yeah, enjoy the Gesualdi, because he won't be here forever.

In other news I got a dentention for autographing this girl's boob in English class. Yeah, I'm awesome like that. Hopefully I won't have to serve it and my awesome bio page can go untouched.

It's 9:30, and I have a letters column to write. Later bitches.