The Chris Gesualdi Experiance

Clock Tower 3
The Best Worst Game Ever

Rated M for MOVE DAMNIT!
GET UP AND RUN!

Holy crap! A ghost!

Clock Tower 3 is the purest embodiment of a guilty pleasure. Something that you know is absolutely terrible, something you know you shouldn't be enjoying, but you just can't stop. Everything about Clock Tower 3 screams "I am a terrible game, stop playing me!" From the awkward control, to the non-existent difficulty level, and the convoluted plot, this game just made me wonder "Why the hell am I enjoying this?"

Holy crap! A dead body!

Now Clock Tower 3 is a survival horror game, meaning horrific stuff happens and you have to survive it. Clock Tower 3 is like most survival horror games, such as Resident Evil and Silent Hill, whereas you run around, picking up different items, like keys and jewels and whatnot, and figuring out different puzzles while monsters chase you around. Well, scratch out the word monsters because Clock Tower 3 only gives you one at a time. The main character, Alyssa, a 14 year old girl with an obnoxious English accent and a pretty little school uniform (because the Japanese are perverted) spends every level being chased around relentlessly by a different homicidal maniac. These enemies, called "Entities," burst though doors and run after you through different locations as you try and solve the various puzzles and collect items. These entities range from the actually scary like Sledgehammer, who runs around with a giant hammer to bash your head in with, to the absolutely ridiculous like Scissorwoman, who wears a costume that looks like it belongs in a outlandish Shakespearean play rather than a horror game.

Boo! Ha, ha, ha! No, seriously though, I'm going to burn your skin off with this acid here.

Now, in other survival horror games, you spend most of the game collecting bullets and shooting your way through hoards of zombies. Well, forget all that because in Clock Tower 3 there are no weapons, just running. Lots and lots of running. Also, unlike other games, Alyssa does not have a health bar. Instead she has a panic meter. This meter registers how panicked Alyssa is. The meter will go up every time she is frightened, so, if an enemy takes a swing at her head, the panic meter will start to increase, the closer the attack comes to her the more the bar rises. If an enemy actually hits Alyssa she won't be hurt, she just gets knocked down and your panic meter jumps. The only way she can die is when she's in panic mode. Now, if the panic meter fills up all the way, Alyssa absolutely freaks the fuck out. Her running is a bit faster, but she also stumbles frequently, and sometimes she'll just stop running altogether and just stand there, shivering in fear. Yeah, you don't want to stand there doing nothing as Sledgehammer brings that bloodstained mallet of doom above his head, so use that lavender water quick. One hit is all it takes to kill her, so make sure you try to not let your panic meter ever fill.

Get up and run you stupid bitch! RUN!

Alyssa isn't totally helpless though. You get all sorts of random items to help you out while you run in terror. The first item you get is a bottle of holy water. You can hit the triangle button to send a splash of holy water out in front of you. This can be used to temporarily burn/blind the enemy chasing you, open doors sealed with magic seals, or open up portals so you can warp to different locations. This bottle can be refilled at fountains around the game. When you start off the bottle only holds 3 helpings of the holy water, but for every entity you defeat it holds another dose. This will be your main defense as you run like hell. There are also other one-use items hiding around. Lavender Water works to lower the panic meter, and will quickly calm Alyssa the fuck down if she's having a panic attack. Sigil Stones are like a shield, so if an entity strikes a finishing blow on Alyssa the stone will deflect it automatically. Then there are Invisibility Bands, which turn Alyssa invisible for about twenty seconds so she can run away without being spotted. Most of these items are received by helping out ghosts. You'll come across plenty of dead bodies in the game, and if you give them different items, like pendants and teddy bears, they'll move on to the afterlife and leave behind some goodies for you to grab. Also, throughout the game there are many marked hiding spots where Alyssa can hide without being spotted. There are also event points hidden around the game, which will trigger an event that will keep the enemy incapacitated while you run away. These are things like slamming the door into the enemy outside, or knocking down a shelf of luggage. These are played out in some cool little cut scenes and it's worth trying to find all the events.

It's like sailor moon on acid. Honestly.

Lastly, after you've freed a whole bunch of spirits and turned on the power with the magic crystal, or whatever inane task you were sent to do, you get to the boss battle. This is where, if you had any doubts about whether the game was batshit crazy, they all end here. Now, Alyssa's holy water bottle starts to float, turning into a magic bow. That's right, out of nowhere you suddenly have a bow, and oh yeah, IT SHOOTS ENERGY ARROWS. The entire game has turned into fucking Sailor Moon without any reasoning at all. These battles are, except for the final boss, IMPOSSIBLY EASY. Basically, you run up to the enemy, so that he takes a swing at you, then as he stumbles from the attack you run to the other side of the screen, charge up your arrow and let it fly. If you charge your arrow long enough, it acts as a binding arrow, which holds your enemy back. For some enemies, once they've been binded once, they're essentially helpless. If you use multiple binding arrows, eventually Alyssa will use her special attack, which is for the most part a GIANT GODDAMN COMET which slams into the enemy at full force. Many times this is a one hit kill. Still, boss battles are great if you've ever wanted to experience Japanese insanity first hand.

Now that we've covered the gameplay, let's get down to the plot. Clock Tower 3 starts off, Alyssa, getting a letter from her mother. Now, Alyssa has spent the last three years in boarding school ever since her mother sent her away without telling her anything and blah, blah, blah. You know something is going to suck when the main character's mother just happens to send the main character a letter outlining her entire past. The rest of the letter is pretty simple, basically saying "Dear Alyssa, your life is in danger. Whatever you do, do not come back to the house. Do not fucking come back to the house. Run and hide as quickly as you can and stay hiding until after your 15th birthday. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT COME BACK TO THE FUCKING HOUSE."

This is what Visine will do to you.

Now, I hate to spoil the plot, but Alyssa decides she needs to get back to the house as quickly as possible, you know, to see her mom or whatever. But as soon as she gets in the door, bam! A big scary old guy in a trench coat pops of nowhere and runs off cackling into the house. Now, most would take this as a chance to run like hell, but Alyssa figures it's best to find her mom. Now, up until now, I was accepting of the plot. Sure Alyssa was a complete fucking idiot but it wouldn't be much of a game if she didn't explore the house. So, as I'm searching around, wondering where to go, suddenly the game sends Alyssa through a warphole.

…

Anyways, Alyssa comes out of the warp in a long hallway which goes out into a city street. As I ran down the street, I noticed the crumbling buildings and the overturned double-decker bus. Then I heard the bombers overhead.

The game had just warped Alyssa back in time to 1942.

That is probably the instant the game decides against making any more sense. For no reason, you have just been transported back into England in 1942, AS BOMBERS FLY OVERHEAD DESTROYING THE CITY. No reason is given yet, you're just there, in the middle of WWII. As you wander around, you find some ghosts to help out but nothing big has happened yet. But then, you go into the inn. You search around a bit, but when you look at a newspaper clipping or something you hear screams and it's time for a cutscene. And oh what a cutscene it is. A little girl dressed in pink is screaming her fucking lungs out as the previously mentioned Sledgehammer tries to smash her open. She runs to the door just as he swings the hammer and…

BAM! Right in the head! She bursts through the door bleeding everywhere and falls down right on the stairs. Then Sledgehammer runs out and notices you. The chase has begun.

You spend the rest of the game like this, traveling to different time periods, helping the ghosts you find as well as discovering information on entity you're facing, as well as on your own twisted past. See, later you find out that Alyssa is a Rooder (which is actually spelled Ruder but the translation guys suck). The first time I read that I laughed as I imagined Alyssa fighting serial killers with a drain snake, but I digress. See, Rooders are teenage girls who's purpose is to defeat the entities, you know, with energy bows. This all becomes involved with a convoluted plot involving Alyssa's goddamn insane grandfather, her slut Rooder mother, the "Ritual of Engagement," and a 15th century nobleman named Lord Burroughs, who looks just like an aging Captain Morgan. I half expected him to start pitching me a delicious spiced rum.

Seriously, this dude is not scary. At all.

But unlike a delicious Captain Morgan, this game does leave a bitter taste in your mouth. The first time through only took me about seven hours, and the second time through only took about four, despite the increased difficulty level and the entity's shiny new weapons (SLEDGEHAMMER HAS A MACE! SCORE!) The control is somewhat ok, but like many games the control doesn't change when the angle does, unless you change direction (like in Devil May Cry). This can cause you to make a small error in direction, and when the entire game revolves on you getting around as quickly as possible, this can be a problem. Also, the only scary entities are the first two, Sledgehammer and Corroder, while the ex-woodcutter Chopper looks more like some hairless goth freak rather than a scary serial killer, and Scissorman and woman will just make you want to cry. And all of the entities feature about 3 lines of dialogue, all of which will be annoyingly repeated about 50 times (Chopper saying "Ohoho, nice trick!" every goddamn five seconds will get on your nerves). Clock Tower 3 is not really a scary game, but it is strangely addictive. I mean, who can resist a Resident Evil game where you don't have to worry about ammunition consumption, instead getting to focus on the running and puzzles. Plus, you learn to like Alyssa, watching her stand up to shit you probably would've shat your pants at and telling her grandfather that he isn't allowed to touch her like that anymore. I even found myself watching during cutscenes as she reaches for the doorknob while I yelled "DON'T TOUCH THE DOORKNOB YOU DUMB BITCH!" Was it worth the $10 I spent on it? Absolutely. Clock Tower 3 is not the game of the year, but it is something worth playing through at least once. Plus when you beat it you get to unlock all the bloody as fuck cutscenes, which are pretty much the best part of the game. Oh, and you get to dress Alyssa in a cowgirl outfit, proving once and for all the Japanese are goddamned perverts.

God bless them.