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Well Said is outdated

December 5th 2008

Preface: This post has been lying about in draft form for a while. It was out of date when I wrote it, but owing to the two week thanksgiving holiday that the DNS decided to take, it now seems massively old. A sensible approach would be to delete it. But, to be honest, I'm faintly amazed I even understand what the sensible approach is. Enjoy:

There are two main stories that have been dominating headlines lately (well actually there are three but I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to laugh at the economic collapse in the future. We'll do it in between shopping at Lidl, eating generic brand products and using puppies as a cheap source of fuel). There was apparently an election recently, although I wish someone had told me about it. If you don't know who won, I don't want to spoil it for you in case you taped it and plan to watch it later. ...Oh I can't help myself. Suffice it to say that there's a great big 'Domain For Sale' sign at presidentmccain.com.

The other story [Edit: which is now largely forgotten, and probably not remembered in the first place if you aren't a Brit] is the newspapers going batshit-crazy over a phone call. Opinion for what the obligatory -gate suffix should be for it was divided. The Mail went with Sachsgate, the Mirror christened it Manuelgate, and far too few people called it by the far superior moniker of Fawltygate.

But this leaves me with the challenge tying these two stories together without doing anything resembling work. My first instinct was to look at Obama quotes to see what he had to say about Brand. It turns out that he has better things to do than weigh in on a crap attempt at humour by an arrogant tosspot. Some other politicians appeared to have no such limitations.

So here are Russell Brand's clearly erudite feelings about American politics:

"Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors."

I know 'Well Said' is a bit of a misnomer in this case, but if I'm OK with sacrificing cognizance for topicality, why aren't you? You can be a bit of a dick about this kind of stuff.
by Dave suggests you read the lolrus saga. By the end of it you'll be looking at the word 'bucket' and wondering if it's spelled right, guaranteed
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Whuu...?

December 2nd 2008

<notices site is working>
<shakes head in disbelief>
<rubs eyes comically>
<pours bottle of wine onto floor>

by Double take Dave
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Adventures With Spam

November 12th 2008

I just spent 2 hours purging the comments of all spam. Damn near 1500 pieces of junk were deleted and, as a result, I'm currently feeling massively desensitised to how fucked up the internet is. So, I thought, why not share that feeling? This piece runs the risk of having Google blacklist this site as pornography, but let's have a look at some of the odder pieces of junk that I deleted. If you're reading this Google, it's all in the spirit of piss-takery. And get back to work.

Virtually all of the comments were links with sex or porn somewhere in the title. A good 80% followed the patterns '[celebrity name] nude/topless/sex film' or '[noun] [verbing] [noun] porn'. But there were a couple of Here are a selection of the few links with names entertaining enough to keep me going during my depressing trudge through spamville:

Porn Team - Do you think this is a team like a basketball team or like a team of superheroes? Either way, I'd imagine the uniforms would be extremely weird. Presumably lots of leather.

Sex Coupons - I can't read this without thinking 'buy one, get one free'. Clearly all this junk has warped my fragile little mind. I will give a reward to anyone who goes to a strip club and asks if they take coupons. If they provide evidence, naturally.

Cobra Porn - I know about watersports. I know about furries. I know about hentai, BDSM and auto-erotic-asphyxiation. But this is far and away the most fucked up turn-on I've heard of. Congratulations internet, once again I've underestimated how god damn weird you can get.

Bizarre Animal Sex - Just try to imagine the kind of person so jaded to bestiality that they can't get excited with regular animal porn and feel the need to watch 'bizarre' animal sex. Can you imagine it? If so, your imagination is far greater than mine will ever be. And I wouldn't trade with you for anything in the world.
by Dave, too wierded out to make a good finishing line.
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Not To Brag But...

November 6th 2008

Having that last entry not post until after midnight makes the prediction look a lot less impressive, but if you think that'll stop me acting smugly, you would be very wrong.

This is the story of a large cut in interest rates signalling the worsening economic climate. You'd might think I'd feel bad about predicting the economy going to hell. It seems I'm pretty OK with it.

A new report suggests that UK energy prices are rising at twice the price as other European countries.

Foreign university students will be forced to carry identitification cards and have their fingerprints taken. Fuck surveillance. Except when it proves me right.

And from the regions:
Shoppers face being charged 20p for every carrier bag they use. Have you not read the first two stories Welsh Assembly? People can barely afford to go shopping, so you want to charge them extra to get the shopping home?

The news is that Scottish lawyers are pushing to get the Lockerbie bomber released. Actually this isn't a story. It'll never happen. Why do reporters insist on publishing these stories as if it'll be the definite outcome just because the defence team is, you know, defending the guy?

Someone in Ireland spent £300,000 on security for a parade. That's a tenner for every person that attended. To put this in perspective, they could have offered everyone £5 not to bother turning up and saved half the money.

And, again from Ireland, a report into Bloody Sunday has been delayed for at least a year. Considering Bloody Sunday happened in 1972, it's a tough call whether we'll have hovercars before anyone ever reads this report.
by Dave, who's all done feeling smug now
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Newsburst: 100% News 10% Effort

November 6th 2008

Apparently there was an election or something
So Obama's won the world's biggest popularity contest then? As someone who makes a pretty full-time habit of listening for funny quotes, I can't help but be a bit disappointed that we won't see much of Sarah Palin after this. I absolutely guarantee that she'd have had her own 'stupid sayings per day' calender out by Christmas. Now we'll just have to make do with Joe Biden.

More Election Stuff
is what you'll find if you look at any of the news websites. Between the constant coverage of the US election and the sky-explosions in the UK tonight, today will rival September 11th in the 'good day to bury bad news' stakes. Don't be surprised if the government tries to slip an unfavourable report or two out today. There's no joke here, I'm just including this so I can point to it with a self-satisfied smile later.

And that's it Seriously. There's no real news happening right now. So, to entertain people (and in no way to pad this post out), here is a dusty old story discovered on Ye Olde Newsdesk:

It's been reported in London town that some blaggard has caused a flood of beer to be pouring out into the street and whatnot. Ten are reported dead, including one purely due to alcohol poisoning, himself clearly being a man of ill repute.

Also, this'll be the last entry about the election. Apologies for being boring and all that.
by Dave, who posted this yesterday, except that apparently he didn't
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